What’s love? To many, love means being cheesy, romantic dates, kissing under the moonlight. But to me, love is much more than that. Love is when people are joined by more than just common interest or physical attraction. Love is about caring so much about someone that you’d do anything for them. It’s about being able to tell another person “hey, I’d die for you” and really mean it. Love is about making sure the ones you love know it and feel it. For me, love is a hug, love is holding hands, spending quality time together, being there for each other always. Love is not being afraid to show how much you love the other person. To me, hugging or holding someone’s hand, talking and reassuring, all these things are ways I show my love and affection for others. Maybe that’s why most of my friends are girls. Girls give hugs, they reassure, they’re sensitive to my feelings. Guys on the other hand don’t listen, they don’t reassure, they don’t care about my feelings. Love once lost, is a hard thing to regain. Love and trust come hand in hand, if the love is gone, so is the trust. Likewise, if the trust fades, so too the love fades. Take my family for example. I have lost all feelings of love and care that I used to have from them. Now, I can’t trust them at all. I can’t tell them when I’m down, happy, or need help. I can’t even bring myself to tell them when I’m suicidal. It’s hard going back everyday to a place where you feel unloved, unwanted, uncared for. It’s hard when you feel invisible, worthless, an annoyance. You want to leave but you can’t. You live everyday with that pain gnawing your heart. Every night you go to bed feeling all alone, tears well up in your eyes but yet you don’t let them out because no one’s gonna care. No one’s gonna ask if you’re ok. All you’d get is a stop crying or why are you always crying, why so sensitive? Truth is, you’d honestly rather be dead. But you can never bring yourself to do it. Every night you lie in bed praying, asking for strength, for relief, but the strength and relief never seem to last. By the end of the day you’re exhausted and a wreck. You’d feel bombs exploding in your heart, tsunamis crashing against your eyes. Yet, you hold it all back, you suppress it because there will be no one around you to help you pull through. It sucks when the only person who can help you pull through is miles away. It sucks when all you want every night is someone to tuck you into bed or to give you a goodnight kiss and let you know how much you’re loved. It sucks when you’re so insecure that you can’t even feel secure in the one person in your life that makes you feel loved. It sucks to feel all alone in a crowd of people. To have no where to go and no one to turn to when you’re in a group. To have to turn to people you’ve only known for a year. To know that you’re never gonna mean as much to others as they mean to you. To know that you’re not alone but yet, you still can’t help but to constantly feel empty and lonely. It drains you. Makes you want to cry all the time. Pain, hurt, anger, all built up over time like a supernova waiting to explode. From time to time glimpses of this dark side burst forth, depression, sadness, loneliness, and anger just consume you. You’re trapped in the vicious cycle of depression and self pity. You know it, but you are powerless to stop it. Every time this dark side is exposed, your world turns negative, hopeless. You wont see the good in anything. Instead, all you see is bad things, bad people, bad you. Suddenly, the whole world is against you. No one likes you, no one cares. Even when’s people show their care and concern, it seems fake. Maybe it is, but isn’t that supposed to comfort you even if just for a moment? You have a perpetual frown on your face. Your smiles last long enough for people to think you’re alright. Deep inside though, you’re wounded, broken, you’re lost. Love is when all the brokenness, all the pain, all the sorrows, an all the anger fade away. Maybe not forever, but at least when you’re with your loved ones. This love helps you overcome everything, gives you reason to press on and not give up. This love slowly but surely, pieces you back together again. This love allows you to experience joy once more. It makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you happy. Even though your dark side reappears, this love urges you to get past it, to put it aside and cast it out. Love is something you look forward to every morning, something that drags you out of your bed even if you’re stone dead. It’s something that makes you smile and feel energized even when you’re fatigued.
